It has been a rather long absence; a little over 4 months it seems. Reasons?
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| My boy only a couple days old. |
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| My boy at 3.5 months. |
Well this little guy changed some things. :)
It has been a very upending experience to say the least. You learn a lot about yourself in the course of having a child. What I learned is that I am selfish. Very selfish. It is difficult to completely live for someone else when all you have known is to take care of yourself. I mean, sure, I don't think of myself as a completely self-centered jerk; I came out of myself often enough to be a good person to others and such. But it wasn't a non-stop occurrence. Sooner or later I would think about my needs such as "hey, I'm hungry" or "a shower would be nice."
Though marriage had some cleansing qualities to it. St. Francis de Sales said that marriage "is the state in which requires more virtue and constancy than any other; it is a perpetual exercise of mortification." Many of you married people will nod with fervor. Being married you must come out of yourself and live for your spouse. This whole "the two become one flesh" idea is more than a romanticized physical union of persons. It goes beyond the bedroom and into everyday life. I am not myself nor is my wife herself. This "one flesh" goes as far as to say I am my wife's and she mine. Everything I do is subordinated to her needs, and vice verse. I am not my own....and it's wonderful! Yet we both still enjoy expressions of individuality everyday that do not require a physical manifestation of our oneness to get involved. For example, she uses a fork by herself. I get dressed on my own. We are still self-sufficient individuals. So therefore we are not completely outside of ourselves. I am a living example that selfishness can still thrive even in a holy marriage. St. Francis is correct yet I would say that having children takes this idea to a whole new level.
A child is nothing like a spouse. A child is not like a grown adult with self-sufficient individuality. A baby's individuality is defined by his/her parents. Without parents, a child cannot survive physically or psychologically. My son depends on me to be his everything. I am everything to him. Therefore my individuality is automatically bumped to last place. That which I need is subordinated to his needs, day in-day out.....forever. *nervous laughter*
Truth: this sucked. Period. Not because I didn't love my son, but because of what it exposed in me. Selfishness. It would hit me in waves: one minute I would be fine, and the next the apartment was ablaze and I had to find a exit. It was a serious battle with my old self and the new. The old would freak out and want to bail immediately, yet the new would dig in and persevere. How? Joey was my cure. Whenever anxiety would well up, I would just cling to my son.
Thus ended my selfishness (well at least most of it). When I think about how people get over their fears such as heights or pinwheels, the one thing that usually happens is confrontation; getting in its face. Thus brings us to my revelation from this entire experience:
We are called to love as God loved. God is love. We are called to...God. Yet our sinfulness is intrinsically opposed to God - to love. Our attachment to sin keeps us away from God and his love and therefore our ability to love. In sin we say (if not by our words, certainly our actions) we are burdened by the poor and the hungry or the sick or helpless because sin wants nothing to do with it - it turns our hearts cold. Yet for those of us who sin who wish to change and live a life of love and selflessness, I say this: Let the "burden" be the Cure. The 1970's band Nazareth, would say that "love hurts". Though it isn't love that hurts but the process in which sin is extracted from the soul. Love is the fire that purifys.
Yeah, it burns. Get over it. Joey was and is worth it and so is everyone else in this world.
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So anyway, I have been doing some things (new and exciting!) with woodworking of which I will post in a bit. Until then!
Pax
